Top ten reasons to run for the City Council

Why run for Council? Often seen as a boring occupation with a high degree of personal risk, the advantages of being on the Council are many. From free food and money to be able to declare emergencies the life of a City Councillor is a fun-filled, carefree romp across the political landscape leading to a life of joy and happiness. Here are our top ten reasons.

You get free food

When you are stuck in a meeting for hours on end, pontificating, raising points of order, and pushing buttons that make decisions for tens of thousands of residents, you are going to get hungry. Fear not! Food is often provided at Council meetings and in abundance. If you play your cards right, you can fill your satchel, handbag, purse, or gunny sack with leftovers that will sustain you for days.

Crayfish, hangi (right in the Council chambers), paua, and even pig on a spit are at most meetings along with many other vegan options, fake meat burgers, and a salad bar. Your personal chef will whip up whatever you wish.

You get a free plane

Thanks to a subsidised deal with Singapore Airlines you’ll get your personal plane and pilot. No more broken public transport for you! Now you travel in style to look at trackless submarines, monorails, and other mass transit systems from Dubai to Antarctica.

And don’t worry about that carbon footprint. The planes run on pure leftover meeting scraps and drop trees everywhere they fly.

You are assigned a Communications Wizard

Don’t know what to say and afraid to say it? Problem solved. You will be assigned a Communications Wizard that will tell you exactly what to say.

Choose from one of two models.

“The Ex-Dominion Post Reporter” model, quick on narrative, short on facts, and adept at social media this model is for the younger or young at heart Councillor. This model is skilled at shouting “look over there” and then whisk you away from any dangerous questions.

“The MacLean” model. A toughened clone based on the original model this Communications Wizard is an expert at deflection, blinding rude reporters with complex figures, and has a cloak of invisibility that can be thrown over you in any tricky engagements.

Solve important problems

As a Councillor, you will solve many important problems that are raised by residents, and you will do so with ease because clearly you are brilliant.

You’ll be able to figure out how high walls can be between neighbours, what to do about those pesky chickens invading the bowling club, how to fix a flux-capacitor, how to re-engineer a broken bus system, why Mrs McCluskey’s cat is digging up the café herb garden, strengthening earthquake-prone buildings, and who really owns Shelly Bay.

You’ll get paid

All Councillors get paid a minimum of sixty-five million dollars per annum in recognition of your superior brain, problem-solving abilities, expert knowledge of everything, and your personal sacrifice for the city. You’ll also get a literal key to the city, though no-one has yet discovered the literal lock that it fits.

You’ll meet Sir Peter Jackson

A former Mayor of Wellington, Sir Peter Jackson loves the Council with a passion and all the Councillors.

At least once a month you’ll be invited to dinner at Hobbiton with Sir Peter with James Cameron as the chef. You will also be offered a lead role in a major movie of your choice when your tenure is complete.

If you are sad (which you won’t be), you can call Sir Peter anytime, and he will sing you a soothing song about elves. Also, Sir Peter is an expert in where things can be developed in the City and will offer advice to you via his Facebook page.

You’ll know everything about everything

On your first day, you’ll have a chip inserted behind your ear that will give you the knowledge of everything.

From social policy to complex transport issues, housing, economics, tourism, airport extensions, construction of buildings, insurance, and convention centres, you will no more, and better, than everyone else.

You get one pet project

Please note, pet projects are not guaranteed to be completed due to complex accounting rules, draconian tender processes, idiot project managers that underestimate everything about the aforementioned, climate change, and the underground movement by the penguin community to destabilise the Council.

However, you can sponsor a pet project including sushi convention centres, flying cycleways, the introduction of the Mongolian language to all street signs, creating incredibly long names for public sports grounds, extending the airport vertically, and building Soviet-era enclaves in areas that will eventually fall into the harbour.

A free panda

You will be entitled to one free panda when you become a Councillor.

A monthly parade

Once a month you will be allowed a free parade through the city riding an e-scooter. Adoring residents will be supplied to cheer, clap, and throw rose petals in your path.

Entry to the exclusive Penguin Club

We all know that the penguins are the true power behind the City Council, and as a Councillor, you will gain entry to their exclusive club. The ability to shut down traffic, an endless supply of raw fish, entire departments that are dedicated to their survival, and a full penguin onesie are all benefits of joining.